Emotional strains

Being diagnosed with ms is difficult for all around the sufferer. From my point of view I think I simply entered denial at first. I had some symptoms, but nothing that I could not convince myself was potentially something muscular. All I wanted to do was carry on as if it wasnt there. After all, any previous symptoms had gone away by themselves.

The re-occurrence of symptoms, different ones each time, finally woke me up to the fact this isnt going away by itself.

Everyone around me offers help, but the only thing I feel I need is to be treat like normal. If I feel capable of doing something I will, or at least I'll try. When I feel its too much will stop, honestly, I'm stubborn but now I'm coming to terms a bit with not being able to just plough on regardless (I'm writing this having started tidying the garden up yesterday, and given up coz I was feeling a bit tired and B was looking like he is coming down with something, bit slumped and snotty).

C cares too much for me at times, and I snap when she tries to wrap me up and protect me. Im not a person who likes resting, thinking, taking it easy.  When things get tough I like to bury my head in busy-ness.  I do appreciate her concern and her desire to make everything better, but there is really only so much she can do, I can see the toll its taking on her and I want to do everything I can to take the load off her.  Me being in hospital is going to be particularly tough for her, running around trying to spend time with me and the kids.

The hardest thing with ms is going to be accepting I need more help, and telling people the things I actually want help with. The things I want to do, things I might feel I can do, but would appreciate company and support while doing it, without someone else doing it for me.

Expressing what I'm feeling is the hardest bit.  I welcome all the kind offers and thoughts, and I know I need to talk about how I am feeling about things, but I honestly don't understand how I am feeling.  It almost feels like this is something that I am waiting to be over and get back on with normal life.  Which in a way it is, if the treatment does what it should, I could effectively be just like anyone without ms soon, but right now I also feel nothing will ever be the same again, and all the things ive been putting off will never be.

After all that melancholy and self pity, the hardest thing really is the strain that I see myself putting on my loved ones.  I just wish I could give them all a break from worrying about me, seeing them happy is the best medicine for me.